Today I am going to share with you guys something that is very personal. It is something that I thought I would never share with anybody but here I am today, about to pen it down; these are not going to be just words but emotions dipped in various colorless hues.
This is about few of those times when I got so lost in depression that nothing actually mattered to me and these were few of those times when I actually became suicidal. No kidding! Twice to be precise. So why am I sharing this with you today? Because we learn from our mistakes and it is from these mistakes that we actually figure out our worth and the importance of our life. These are the mistakes that help us grow.
The very first time when things got a little rough was when I was just 15. I am not ashamed to admit that I was very stupid in those days and got influenced very easily. An easy target as they say it. So it was around 2010 and things were a little messy in between me and a very close friend. Now, I am a very emotional person and the fight between me and my close friend broke me real bad and that was when this other friend of mine (I considered him close too, very close) started being over friendly with me. He would sit and talk with me for hours, he actually made me feel less miserable. A couple of more incidents followed and then came the doomsday.
That was a Saturday probably and this friend asked me to meet him because we had some issues to clear (Sorry but cannot really share the issue). And I went there, very raged and frustrated. The place where he called me was not really far from my house but it was a very lonely lane with hardly one street lamp, that flickered most of the time. So, I went there and to my surprise he was not alone. He was there with four of his friends who were new to me. Something very weird triggered within me that moment. I never felt so uncomfortable before but as I mentioned earlier, I was an idiot back then (I guess I still am, to be honest).
What happened next is something that still gives me goosebumps whenever I think of it. Like, right now as I type these words, I am getting goosebumps; I cannot help it. Coming back to the story, I was there standing in the middle of a narrow street and the boy whom I considered my friend, came closer to me and held my hands. Before I could reciprocate I could feel a pair of hands on my waist, pressing hard against my skin and on my neck, I could feel heavy breathing of another man. The other two were standing by the side and I heard one of them say, “relax, it is okay.”
I cannot express in words what I went through in that exact moment. I was blank for a few seconds but then something happened and I just pushed my so called friend with all the energy that I had and I ran for my life. I could feel nothing. I ran for 5 minutes till I realized that I was pretty close to my house. I had no courage to talk about it with anybody, not even my parents. That was the first time I got hit by depression and it has been the only constant friend since. For about a month, I used to lock myself up most of the time and my mom would think that I was studying but all I did was cry for hours. It became very difficult to sleep. Depression led its way to insomnia. And soon it got way difficult for me to handle and I started stealing sleeping pills from our store. A week later my parents found me unconscious in my room. My stomach got pumped in the hospital that day and I lived.
I can never forget the look into my parent’s eyes. They were horrified. I was asked by the doctor who was my dad’s friend, the reason for such an action. I said “exam pressure” and they believed it. My parents still have no idea what happened to me that Saturday night. But things started getting into place after that. I made some amazing friends and I met someone whom I fell in love with. Things could not have been more perfect. But life is a bitch. The second phase where I became suicidal again was after 6 years that is 2017. Yes, you read that right. 2017.
At times, we make a person the center of our world without even realizing if we are wrong or right. We trust people easily and we think that they will never leave because we love them so much but honestly love is not always enough. People will break your heart and they will not even be sorry. They will not give a fuck about how hard it will be for you to deal with the heartbreak. They will just leave. You will be miserable and in your worst shape but nobody will care.
So, I got heartbroken and that is when my two best friends, depression and insomnia were back again. This time they bought anxiety along with them. A week after I was dumped, I was feeding on memories. My parents got very worried and they would keep an eye on me all the time since they knew how weak I was. On 5th January 2017, I decided to put an end to my story. I was tired of the sleepless nights. I was tired of the crying. I was tired of loving so much. I needed to stop.
It was 3 am in the morning, and I climbed up the stairs to the roof and I decided to jump. But I could not. I was afraid. I thought of my dad and my mom who were trying their best to make things normal for me. My friends, who were supporting me day and night. My dreams that were yet to be fulfilled. And I gave up on my suicidal thoughts. That was the moment I decided to give myself another chance and it has been four months since.
I won’t say that it is easy now. It is never easy to get over a difficult past. But it is always worth a try. And I have learnt that people who has to leave, will leave and you cannot force them to stay. So, it is always a good idea to respect what you have in the present but it is obviously a bad idea to dwell in the past.
There are gonna be several moments in life where you will wish to end everything, but live. Live because you have only one life. Live because your parents and friends doesn’t deserve any unnecessary pain. Live because everyday is a new opportunity to shape up a wonderful future. Live and respect whatever little you have. Live because it will help you find your own worth. Live because you deserve it.